The Story Behind Broken Connections
We all love a good story. A story that captures our imagination, warms our hearts, brings us to tears, or leaves us begging for more. Because the best novels elicit strong emotions and draw us in, research suggests that reading fiction can increase empathy, change a person’s perspective, and increase creativity.1 It is also thought that reading real life narratives (written in a similar way to fiction by eliciting strong emotions and drawing us in) can offer the same benefits.2 Is it any wonder then, that the Bible contains a myriad of stories of the historical characters who played a role in God’s plan of salvation, as well as parables that Jesus used to teach truths about the kingdom of God.
The Old Testament is full of stories of people whose lives were affected by intergenerational trauma and sin. Isaac favours Esau whilst Rebecca favours Jacob, and Jacob in turn favours Joseph. This behaviour might initially seem innocuous, but their favouritism leads to deception, hatred and murderous intent over 3 generations. Deep ruptures in family relationships. Despite people’s sinfulness, God is faithful to his promises to Abraham and uses evil for his good purposes over and over again to demonstrate his unchanging character and his intent to repair connections.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. — Romans 8:28
So why am I telling my story here on “Broken Connections”? “Broken Connections” is the testimony of how God is using my trauma and suffering for good — in my life, and God-willing, in the lives of others. Although I have been told that writing is helpful for processing my trauma, this is not the reason why I began to write. I write because:
it was only through hearing about other people’s stories that I began to understand myself. I could not connect factual information to my experiences until it made sense through someone else’s story.
I have heard how people’s lives have been changed for the better when they understand how their childhood has shaped the way they love others, and I have heard how relationships have suffered due to lack of this understanding.
there are some within the Christian community who are not well-informed about trauma and who condemn any practices that they consider to be secular, believing them to be sinful and irrelevant.
I believe that my story has something to say to every person who had a childhood, to every person who is a parent or has a child in their life, to every person who has experienced difficult family relationships, to every person who has experienced good family relationships, to every person who has been hurt in a relationship, to every person who has struggled with mental health issues, to every person who has the desire to love their neighbour as themselves, to every person who wants to grow in Christlikeness, and to every person who wants to share the good news of Jesus.
I believe that my story can increase people’s empathy and compassion for others, change people’s perspective and help people to grow in themselves and grow in awe of the God who created us.
I want to be known and understood, just as everyone else wants to be known and understood. And I believe that my story will help others to be known and understood.
God has used the brokenness of my family relationships, my parenting failures and my mental health challenges to lead me to answers that I wasn’t aware that I needed. The path to these answers has taken decades. Since 2014 it has been an uphill battle for myself and my husband, who has shared the most harrowing parts of the journey with me. It is precisely because of this uphill battle that I feel compelled to share what I have learned - knowledge I gained initially through listening to podcasts and reading articles and books, and through finally finding health professionals who had this knowledge and were able to help me. This knowledge has the potential to benefit all relationships, helping us to love one another as Christ loved us — we cannot change behaviour that stems from unconscious wounds unless our wounds are brought into our awareness.
One way to understand this is by comparing ourselves to the pilot of a modern aircraft. Planes are now equipped with advanced computer technology that assists the pilot to fly the plane. Contrary to popular belief, if a plane is placed on “autopilot”, the pilot cannot put his feet up and expect the plane to fly itself. His “hands might not be steering the airplane directly, as would have been the case in the 1930s, but almost everything the airplane does is commanded, one way or the other, by the pilots”3. If a plane truly was placed in “set and forget” autopilot mode, it would end in disaster. Likewise, if we allow ourselves to go through life without being active in the background — equipping ourselves with knowledge of what our heart, body, mind and soul needs, and doing the hard and complex work that is required for healthy relationships and personal growth — we too are heading for disaster. We will run out of fuel or crash with dire consequences.
In writing about my story, it is of utmost importance to me that what I write is not construed as criticism or slander of my parents. My parents provided me with what they believed I needed - a home, food, clothes, a good education, extra-curricular opportunities. My father worked exceedingly hard to provide his children with material comforts that he did not have as a child. He generously supported us financially, helping us to purchase our first apartment, and helping my husband when he set up his own business. My mother made a conscious decision to leave the workforce after having children, because her own mother worked. She knew that children needed their mother around, but never figured out what was really missing in her childhood. They did what they thought was the best for us. Unfortunately, they were not aware of how to process and express their own emotional needs in a healthy manner, and were therefore unable to meet each other’s needs. My mother felt abandoned and taken for granted, and my father felt unappreciated and taken for granted. An unhappy marriage with unhealthy expression of emotions does not support healthy child development.
With good reason, the Bible teaches us to honour our parents. It teaches us to not gossip and slander and not pass judgement on anyone. Yet the Bible also teaches us to speak the truth in love. I hope that I can do all this with gentleness and humility in writing “Broken Connections”. I believe that the truth about childhood trauma needs to be brought into the light, not hidden in the dark behind closed doors, because it creates chaos and ongoing cycles of intergenerational trauma. Satan opposes the truth, and works hard to keep people in the dark. Childhood trauma creates shame and fear, the very things that Satan uses to prevent us from finding the loving connections that we need to heal. When we develop childhood beliefs about ourselves that are lies, Satan wants us to keep believing those lies, to our detriment. Satan seeks to divide and destroy, and prevent us from experiencing the joy and peace that is ours in Christ. This is part of the spiritual battle that we face.
Recently I stumbled across this article. It has given me confidence to keep writing about my story, and entrusting that God would use it for good, and ultimately for his glory.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3559433/#s4
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3559433/#s4
https://askthepilot.com/questionanswers/automation-myths/#:~:text=It%20has%20vastly%20improved%20their,organ%20transplant%20%E2%80%9Cby%20itself.%E2%80%9D